“If you’re not being used, you’re useless.” The first time I heard that was about 5-6 years ago from a friend of mine. To be honest, initially, I had a difficult time digesting it. Growing up, I’d overhear my Mom talking about people she knew who were “users.” And as I got older, we would talk about relationships and the importance of not allowing yourself to be “used and abused.” So, that said, when I heard the phrase suggesting that being used was necessary, I just didn’t know how to receive it. Well now, I know.

I’m a bit of a pop culture junkie, so you’ll notice a lot of references from songs, movies, and celebrity news/interviews. Exhibit a) during Mary J. Blige’s acceptance speech for her Lifetime Achievement Award at the 2019 BET Awards, she talked about many people in her life who’ve helped her get where she is. She thanked them for helping her through some of her lowest moments. She talked about being a servant and understanding the importance of her life’s calling. She said, “...although I am a leader, a Queen, a living legend...I’m a servant as well and I’m here to serve. Being a servant is not always glamorous or popular, but it’s the job and the assignment I was given.. it’s because in order to be in authority, I had to learn to come UNDER authority. It’s because when the glory is placed on me, I give it back to God immediately...this journey has always been bigger than me.” Whew! The grace beaming off of her was so bright! The point though, is that she’s saying she’s being USED {by God} (or the universe, or whatever your spiritual beliefs are). She’s WILLINGLY BEING USED. She’s also USED people and their abilities, gifts, money, talent, compassion, connections, etc. And the way she spoke about those people with such gratitude, it would lead me to believe that they gave to her with an open heart and (here’s the key) that at some point, it was RECIPROCATED.

Knowing my Mom so well, and from several conversations we had before she passed, I know she understood the importance of both USING and BEING USED. She just didn’t like the terminology. Lol. She preferred saying, “give and take.” She was super intuitive and also very kind, but she was not for the bullshit. Anyone’s bullshit. There was no “using and abusing” her without a clear conversation establishing it wasn’t going to happen again, or you were dismissed. Because like most of us, people had previously used her, and taken advantage, giving nothing in return. Now, this doesn’t mean you should do nice things BECAUSE you want something back. But relationships are about many things, one of them being reciprocity.

All relationships are like a game of catch. Two people are tossing a ball back and forth. Every round, your turn rotates. You catch, you throw, you catch, you throw. When that other person stops catching...now what? Are you going to pick the ball up and put it in their hands? Make them hold on to it? Are you gonna throw it for them too? No! They’re useless. You’re playing the game by yourself. Even at your job, your professional relationship with your employer is reciprocal. You work, they pay you. With your spouse, both parties have their roles. With your friends, everyone has their strengths. One makes you laugh, one is a good listener, one is really wise, one is organized, so on and so forth...And no one is good at everything. They key is to “GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT.” It= life. It=your people. Give your all to whatever is important to you. Share your gifts. If not, no one will see them, experience them, or USE THEM. And at that point, you’re useless. And, if you’re like my Mom and don’t like the idea of “using people” or “being used by people,” don’t get caught up on the words. Just make sure you’re GIVING and TAKING. This goes for everything in your life. We take vibes and energy out of the universe by the second. Make sure you’re giving what you want to receive.

I’ve told my SuperGorge Single Girl readers before that once I love someone, I’ll always love them. BUT that doesn’t mean they get to be IN YOUR LIFE, unless it’s of some value. But if not, we can be cool, we just can’t be close. Cool, as in, “heyyyyy!” Lol. When I see you, it’s no drama, no eye rolling, no bad juju. We’re just not about to have dinner, and be ki-ki-ing on the phone about the good ole days. Nah. Because if we’re being honest, we became useless to one another. Period. One ex, the romantic relationship ended. Fine. We tried to be friendly; that didn’t work. Fine. And even when we’d have a rendezvous or two, that was fun. But then that became pointless too. Point. Less. Meaning no point, no reason. Use. Less. Meaning OF NO GOOD USE, impractical, in vain, no intended purpose. The moral of this story is that everybody won’t be your people. That overused saying, “it’s a reason and a season” is so true. If the time is up, it’s up. You didn’t fail or waste your time, you learned. This particular ex was a muse for my old blogging days. He helped me find a piece of my ‘purpose puzzle.’ Lol. It was also cathartic and helped me connect to hundreds of women who had been through similar foolishness. 😩 But it’s a new day now. No regrets, no sob stories...what’s the use in that? Lol. In the words of the late, great Nipsey Hussle, “I say it’s worth it, I won’t say it’s fair. Find your purpose or you wasting air.” 🏁💙

-Lo